What's making me happy right now...

Future trips to Toronto. Running into friends on airplanes and then getting rides home. The fact that home = Manhattan. A borrowed iPod to keep out the "noise" of an open space office. Smiling as I leave the gym. Having someone to complain about. Happy Mondays. Healthy roommate relationships. Liking movies again. My tutee's special reading book and only her and I can open. Wedding outfits. Not being jealous at other's happiness. Closing my first deal.

When I left New York there was 2 feet of snow on the ground. When I arrived tonight there was none. I feel cheated.

I think I do this to myself

I'm feeling it. Spend the morning shopping on Main Street with my brother and his fiance. Paneer Pakora, Shahi Paneer and Tandoori Chicken with garlic naan. All this talk of gifts, dupattas, centrepieces is foreign to me.

Tonight I attended a wedding of a family friend, the first wedding I've been to in a long time where I didn't even say hello to the bride and groom, in fact when I hadn't spoken to the bride in years and never met the groom. Weird but not uncommon for Indians. I was completely overwelmed, everyone was there, it was like a GSBC diwali dinner. Complete with the mindless socializing which took one of three forms, all said with huge smiles on our faces:

"So Asha how are things?"
"Good auntie, I'm doing good"
"That's good, I'm glad things are good"
"Yes, good, life is good"

"How is Toronto? Are you liking it there?"
"No uncle , I'm in New York now"
"Wow New York, life is very very fast there, you must feel very calm here"
"Yes yes uncle, it is very relaxing here, its good"

"Asha! You're here! Are you back?"
"No auntie, I don't live here anymore, I'm just here for the weekend"
"The weekend! Wow aren't you tired, its very very far isn't it?"
"Its not so bad auntie, I'm good"

Good was the word of the night. Somehow I'm always in town for these large socializing type moments, many people don't realize that I haven't lived in Vancouver for almost 4 years, even the young ones. But in all reality I don't really care what they're doing with there lives either and don't ask more than a few superficial questions all ending with awkward nods, and smiles that slowly fade.

Its nice seeing the crew though, those that I actually am interested in learning about, that I was hoping would be there. We spend the bulk of the reception sending sms's across the massive and packed reception hall: "Isn't the MC cute?" "Asha, why aren't you sitting down" "Do we know any of the performers?" "Should i?" its too crowded to really move so cell phones provide a welcome form of socialization during the otherwise long waiting periods in the program. Then there is the dancing, I haven't done bhangra in ages and feel a bit strange seeing myself on the video screen.

I bruise easily

There is something about flying at night that makes me emotional. Maybe its the solitude, trying not to sleep so that you can adjust to the new time zone. Leaving my book in the bag that I put in the overhead bin, with a man with bad knees at the aisle seat so I'd rather not make him move to grab it. There's time to think. Think about the last time I took the flight - how different it was then. The sappy radio channel is the only one that has songs I recognize, makes me more pensive.

Flying alone is the only time I feel completely anonymous. I disappear and can pretend to be whomever I want. In the BA lounge I try to pretend to be a New York socialite, on my way to London to catch the end of London's Spring Fashion Week, I drink wine and have cheese and grapes. Then I transform into a Spaniard, heading back to Madrid for an urgent family matter, I try to read the Spanish newspapers but realize I must look lost. I become a backpacker, on my way to Hong Kong to explore Asia with no idea when I'll return, I fill up on chips and crackers and have one of the soft fresh chocolate chip cookies. They call all three flights for boarding at the same time, so who knows who I really am as I disappear into the massive economy section of the 747.

I know what I need to do and it consumes me, I'm feeling this way for a reason. An injection of thoughts that are tearing me apart. This is always paired with the return, I don't know why I do it, its like hitting my head against a wall that I put up. The movie doesn't help and digs me deeper into the braintrap.

Until we descend and I can see the snow capped mountains lit up by the moon. Its beautiful. Then I see the ski hills of Seymour, Grouse and finally Cypress all bright with flood lights, we're really close to the mountains, I'm sure they can hear us, Grouse still looks like a number 1 from the sky. I see the void of lights that must be Stanley Park and we fly into the Juan de Fuca Straight to land from the water. And I'm home. I'll think again in 5 days, for now I'll just enjoy it.

Stereotypes lost..

Its not often that I’m pleasantly surprised about life and reminded about the resilience of human beings. Yesterday was a good day.

I expected the worst, the projects, a mother who is addicted to crack. I expected to be scared to walk the 2 tiny blocks from the subway to the building. These were not baseless or prejudiced expectations, I had been prepared to expect the worst by the program coordinator.

What I got was a new family. Two parents, newly married and in love, 4 kids. A very new apt building. A grandmother who lives in the apartment above. A building with 24 hour security. A dining table for 6.

Last night I met my tutee. A 9 year old girl with spunk. She’s a firecracker. She loves math and science but has trouble with reading comprehension and pronunciation. She wants to know exactly how I’m going to help her read. EXACTLY. There is no BSing this girl.

I’m really excited to be doing this, to commit to helping a young girl enter the world of literature. Sure we’ll do Math and Science and Social Studies (maybe I’ll finally learn a little US history) too, but reading is our focus – My mind is full of all the books we’ll go through (after we’re done her homework of course): The Little Prince, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Harry Potter, James and the Giant Peach…she has no idea what she’s up for!