CHAI, PANI, NASTO BASTO?

Three weeks in the UK, wow, I haven't spent this much time here since I was twelve. So far I've sat and had chai, pani and nasto in 9 different houses, slept in 6 different beds and had more glasses of beer then I can count and I still have ten more days ahead.

Everytime I come here I surprise myself (and all those around me) about how INDIAN I become...I start speaking Gujarati (at least try to), I go shopping for sarees, I go to the mandir and to kathas and even start thinking differently about what I'm doing and how it may be perceived by others. I think this is what I'm most afraid of if I move here..that I'll lose the part of my identity that I cherish the most, that I am the most proud of, that part of me might actually conform to a stereotype that I not only dislike but loath (Amy, you will understand what I mean). I know I'm exagerating but its actually a valid fear. Even with all these negative thoughts, the United Kingdom is close to winning me over this time..I never thought I would say that.

In the next few weeks I'll have to make one of the biggest decisions I've never had to make, I'll decide whether I will become a European or an American. I'm not even sure where to start.

TEN YEARS LATER

Once again, I’m at a point in my life where I am taking stock of where I am and looking forward to where I want to be. Whenever I hit a crossroad/fork/nimbooda putting place I take some time to go through my journal. Last night while thumbing through my last two books, I realized that it was ten years ago that I evolved into a journaler. I love going through my old entries, they take me back to where I've been, what I thought, who I was, it always amazes me how much my outlook continues to mature and really helps me put my current situation into perspective. I know that in 2, 5, even 10 years from now, I'll look back and smile at all my love of drama and chaos and and my ability to over analyze every moment of my daily life.

Snippets of my last ten years...

I really don’t like this school…I’m tired of being a minority. Why should I be the one who has to suffer just because I’m the one who’s different? – May 3, 1994

I got in trouble again, big deal, she acts like it’ll make a difference but every time it’s the same, she says she’s not against me but that’s not true. – December 17, 1994

I want him. He’s so BAM, damn I want you man :) - August, 21, 1995

I don’t want him. He was obsessed – August 31, 1995

I don’t know, all I know is that I’m a girl that doesn’t know anything. I’m confused. – October 29, 1996

I got my exam results back today!! I did well, at least well enough to get into university!! Now the question is where to go? – March 4, 1997

I think I may be blowing this whole thing out of proportion, what if he doesn’t have similar feelings for me…what if he DOES? Then what do I do? – May 26, 1997

I am going out with the most wonderfullest boyfriend – February 24, 1998

Sometimes I’d rather go back to being that girl, that girl who just wanted to go and have fun and had everything handed to her. I guess I’m growing up. – April 11, 1998

If all this is for the best, why does it still hurt so much? – April 16, 2000

If only I knew then what I know now, I would be a lot less hurt. My life has changed and I have no control over the situation. – November 21, 2001

So Toronto, huh?…How the hell did I end up here? – June 5, 2002

One of these days I’ll be over him, I really, really will. Blah :( – January 8, 2003

New house, new job, new city, new country, new life. – August 1, 2003

MORBID YET VISIONARY...

"Fifty years hence ... we shall escape the absurdity of growing a whole chicken in order to eat the breast or wing, by growing those parts separately under a suitable medium." - Winston Churchill

I'm still on the fence about GMF, but know that next time I go out for a dozen chicken wings I don't want them to have come from the same chicken.

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UNCERTAINTY...

"The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today" - Franklin D Roosevelt

I don't deal well with the unknown. This is difficult.